“I told him, but does Blake ever listen? Noooo!” My friend Tom was once again reciting one of the many stories he holds so dear to his heart. This time, it was a story about this one girl that I admittedly shouldn’t have gone out with. “Remember Blake, I said she must have herpes or something! What did I say!” Every single time he tells this dumb story I always receive a lecture about how ‘stupid’ I was. Tom thinks he knows the whole story, he thinks I told him everything; little does he know, he knows nothing except the bare shell of what really went down.
After a bad break up, I went bowling with a couple of friends, who in turn invited more friends. One of them was named Herpes. (Not really but I don’t like to say her real name.) She was a short, skinny, blonde girl who by an average judgment was pretty good looking. After bowling, me and her talked for a little bit. It was refreshing, someone who actually liked the bands I liked, and who loved just doing random things for fun. Afterwards she gave me her number and told me to call. Her number was burning a hole in my phone. I so badly wanted to text or call her, but thought if I waited a couple of days she might like me even more. It was horrible logic, but it worked. We went out on a couple of dates, all in all everything was going well. Every time I looked at her I just thought that Tom must be wrong. Then on one date I noticed she was texting another guy. It didn’t bother me though, who knows maybe it’s her friend, maybe she’s dating more then one person, it didn’t matter because I was with her at that second. I was wrong, it did matter though that she kept doing it, rejecting me when I was in her presence! I was very disgruntled, I had to end! I absolutely hate it when people are disrespectful towards me. I couldn’t stand to think that someone was just using me. I remember this conversation very well, it was so oblique and depressing. There was one phrase she used that I could never forget. “All the other guys don’t mind, they know what I’m doing.” After that it was pretty easy to break up with her.
The next day I received a phone call from my friend Tom. “ Blake! Remember when I told you she probably has herpes! Well guess what!” There was no need for an answer, it was quite obvious. Fortunate for myself, aware that she was doing something fishy, I never did anything with her.
“OH! Blake remember Leah!” Tom was at it again, telling stories embarrassing stories about me, but this story crossed the line. It was the most embarrassing story about me and my ex-girlfriend, and Tom was about to reveal it to my new girlfriend Alyssa.
“Tom, I swear to God! Not one more word!” I threatened, but it didn’t make a difference.
“You see he use to have a girlfriend by the name of Leah….” Tom started his story, time was running short, I had to do something. In a state of panic I did the only thing that came to mind. I ran across the room as fast as I could, my veins were sticking out, adrenaline rushing through my body, I was going to stop him. With one great leap I thrust Tom to the floor.
“Not one more word!” He looked at me and instantly knew he crossed the line.
“Maybe I’ll tell this one a little later.” As I let him off the floor, I new it would only be time before he attempted to tell this story again.
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Your use of dialogue in this story is very well done. Your friend's voice in particular comes through quite realistically. Opening with dialogue brings the reader into the story quickly and you set up the central dilemma quickly. Overall, it is one of the most solidly formatted stories I've read of yours so far. Good work there.
ReplyDeleteWhat I felt was missing was some sense of your girlfriend in the story. The moments between you and your friend are fleshed out, but she never speaks, and is not described although her presence is the catalyst for the argument in the first place.
Your tenses are a little jumbled in the first and last paragraphs, and in this particular case i think it would add something important to your story to bring those two paragraphs fully into the present tense while keeping the back-story in the past tense. It would help with the "fragmented" nature of your essay and give you definitive structural lines to work with.
Blake,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this post. It was light, refreshing, comical.
I thought you set up the first paragraph very effectively. It provided a good bridge into the story and set up the scene appropriately.
I like your friend Tom. He added some nice comic relief to the story. Through his dialog as well as your description of him, his character was really brought out.
It seems like you have a lot of girlfriends! I agree with Kristie in the sense that you could have developed their emotions more. You referred to their presence often, however, it ended with that. How did they react to Tom? And to your actions? Tell us more about them!
Overall, great post. Keep up the good work!